"Lining up for the grand illusion
No answers for no questions asked
Lining up for the execution
Without knowing why
They suck us dry till there’s nothing left
We’ve never been so many
And we've never been so alone..."
~Ana Johnsson, "We are", Spiderman II OST
Usually I'ld make an effort, just calm myself but tonight I just want to release all the angst accumulated since the beginning of the week...
Maybe seeing you did me much good, also having had the other member of the gang on the phone was soothing...
But, my God, what a hell of a week... and to top it I'm sick again ;-(
Monday was terrible but it was to be expected, the piece about the US elections was just a piece of s**t, but at last I had the possibility to do it all over again, again one useless battle...et bien sûr cette séance de "lapidation publique" de l'implacable trio nouvellement formé (comprenez moi bien ils sont très compétents dans leur métier et très gentils off work et nous proposent pot sur pot mais la pédagogie est vraiment à revoir, je ne sais pas EL, PED, PM et MR ne me font pas du tout le même effet), le troisième laron qui impose sa vision des choses sans consultation et patatra, les deux autres emboitent le pas et opinent du chef changeant une énième fois leurs consignes en enfonçant encore davantage "non, vous n'avez compris ce que nous voulions", "il manquait l'essentiel" ou gardant prudemment le silence là où une nuance aurait peut-être été la bienvenue et Fabienne crying a river, too much pression, too much emotions at the tribunal, too much work, all these boiling up inside...et surtout que d'injustice, d'acharnement, c'en était écoeurant, can you not leave her in peace ? Pétages de plomb en série, un, deux, trois... Chapeau bas à JCL pour toute son humanité, great therapy :-) Comme disait la miss américaine, pour l'instant c'est une véritable leçon de doute épistémologique que l'on nous apprend, se vider de sa confiance et se prendre coup sur coup, comment ne pas penser que "I'll never be good enough" ? de temps un temps un rayon de soleil mais aussitôt le blizzard de l'hiver indien.
Also angry at myself for the big mess up on Wednesday in Radio, how stupid and thoughtless of me, I bloody know where the problem is but it never changes, it's a relapse -_______-
Sadness over something, which was so dear to me and has dissapeared... I understand the move, if you was not happy with it but I can't help myself feeling down about it. Could I not have done something to prevent it ? Could I not have behaved better ? and if ever you read my words, please don't be angry, you know...You mean so much to me and all that you do also, it was pure heaven, when I was walking in your paradise. This is not a reproach, this is pure nostalgia (and god only knows how much I love the past ^^;)
Bitterness over a certain gig and a certain recording of DVD. At one point, I was tempted to go over thre but it would have been pure madness...
And now I have try to survive the week-end and next week, I'm not sure I have taken the right path, I should be working and probably I won't get the books I need but again I don't really seem to care, j'ai appuyé sur la pédale et je fonce, devenir le terminator des signes, regarder les rais de lumière des néons du tunnel et un nouveau problème brûlant, stage, stage, stage... cheval égoïste dans la course mais l'épéron dans le flanc, comment arréter l'échappée sauvage dans ce monde isolé et sectaire réservé aux initiés malgré eux (non que je n'en ai jamais été fière), I really don't deserve all this patience and as she says, when it'll be gone, I will be regretful. The wait will not be eternal because this time you're doing all the work and I none of it.
My hands are tied, my lips dry and my mind a vast silence, nothing left to say or feel, how can we speak of something we run away from when it is temporarely over? I'm not sure you can understand, but a revival of the day is painful, a lie is painful, Quomodo vales ? there is no answer for that, if it is not overlacrimal thoughts as it is written down here. But for now, I'm not in the mood to be strong or virtuous, I just want to be me, drifting without having someone telling me I have to be brave, that I must not complain because I chose it, I desired it but since when what I want is what makes me peaceful ?
Also some smiles and there I should thank Cécile, Kim, Marine, Sarah *_______*, Sylviane, Gallagher, Fabienne (the return of the jedi ? ugh ?^^) I think they must ask themselves some question over our sanities, it was absolutely not discreet! shame, shame, shame!!!!
I better go to sleep now, I must wake up early -_________-
Oh well I should also say that I'm very proud of you to do all these stuffs, to try your hand at other things, to work really hard (we'll just have to pray it'll work ^^) to affect a calm exterior ;-) I know that's not easy for you but well it is a ten out of ten :-)